I knew most of my life I was a candidate for heart disease. My father had his first bypass operation at age 49, then two more. His father dropped dead with his first heart attack at 71. My mother, now 85, received her first stint just a year ago. I will be 59 in a week. I know 40% of American males aged 55-70 drop dead with their first myocardial infarction. I always suspected it was coming: that one of these days I'd grab my chest and feel the telltale pain down the arm and up into the neck, for the big one. But the heart catheterization eight years ago was negative. So was the stress test four years ago. So, when I started getting this very mild pain in my upper chest, radiating back into the left shoulder, I figured I probably had just strained something on a nautilus machine at the gym.
Glad I checked it out. Yesterday Dr. Biel at Depaul put in two stints in my right coronary artery. One blockage was 80% ecluded. The other was 90%. I was cruising for the big one. Most people don't know it when they are. I certainly didn't. Of course, I suspected. I''d developed this nonchalant attitude: "I've pretty much done with my life what I'd hoped to. I could go anytime." Mary and I have been talking about grandchildren. Don't have any yet, but more and more of our friends do. Not that we're pushing our kids, because neither is there yet. But is anyone ever, really? Is anyone ever ready for a heart attack? Or even stint placement?
Now, what difference does it make? I'd say the biggest choice now is whether I want to live quite a bit longer, or die of a heart attack. It used to be theoretical. Now it's real. I've been taking lipitor and fish oil and an aspirin every morning for ten years. That was all preventive. Now I've added the plavix and the beta-blocker. This stuff is not cheap. Yes, my health insurance pays for most of it, but not all. I've decided that since I am taking the drugs, I really DO want to live. But I know better than to think that alone will ward off the big one.
I started back to the gym in February. I decided to give up NOT going to the gym for Lent. If I'd not been working out on a treadmill at least three times a week I wouldn't have known I was having angina chest pain. That's when I felt it most. I went to my internist. He first figured it was weight-lifting too. I called my internist sister. She said, "Try the beta-blocker first." But then my internist said, No, let's do another stress test." Glad I did. And by the way, the nuclear thallium test came out negative. The treadmill EKG told the tale.
What's the spiritual threshold here? It's not that I've learned anything new here. I knew it was coming, eventually. But what's different, is that 'eventually' is now NOW. I AM old, not just getting old. I HAVE heart disease now. I'm not just expecting I will eventually have it. So, before I knew I should cut back on the salt and the fast food and the red meat. Now I KNOW that if I want to live, I MUST. It's a new place. Spiritually, it's a gift. Uncertainty turns to certainty. But procrastination must also now turn to disciplined lifestyle change. Past speculation and learning becomes rubber on the road. I am a person of faith, but even so I believe we only pass this way once. I feel like I've already made the most of it. I've done enough, all things considered. But I'm also not ready to pack it in yet. Today we cleared all the high-sodium cans out of the pantry. I ate a tin of sardines for lunch, with two slices of low-sodium and high fiber toast. Think I'll have a salad for dinner, low-fat dressing on the side.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Why 'Pastor on the Point?'
I've been at Harmony Church only 2 1/2 years. It feels like longer, since we have been through so much. We merged two churches in May 2010. So, some would say we really are a "new" congregation, not two combined old churches (founded in 1908 and 1928 respectively.) When we looked the other day at George Bullard's life cycle chart, most felt we are still between maturity and decline. Interesting, though: our staff said "Why so pessimistic? No! We are a brand new church!"
William Ritter shared with his congregation in a sermon, "When a minister stays for a long time, it becomes very tempting (and very easy) to settle into a need-meeting ministry. I'll baptize this one and confirm that one. I'll marry this one and bury that one. I'll counsel this one and console that one. The longer I stay, the better I'll be. I'll see needs faster. People will trust me sooner. And I will have worked with the people so long ... and will know them so well ... that I'll know just what to say. Which will be appreciated at all times ... but especially at funerals. This is how long-term pastorates turn into chaplaincies. And this is how the needs of the flock eventually set the agenda for the shepherd. I'm not knocking it. There is much about it that is good. But this is when ministers stop being leaders. And this is when churches ... even great churches ... begin to die. Although nobody knows it at the time, because everybody is getting their needs met ... which feels quite comfortable."
We live in a time which shape-shifts far too quickly, for any pastor to shift from being a leader to being a chaplain. Of course, we still have to do the chaplaining and must. But we are here as a church to make new disciples and engage them in changing the world into the kingdom of God. It's not enough to hang out in the church office, or even in nursing home rooms, meeting church member's needs. And, we know the paradox of Christian faith is that our own needs are not met unless we are servants meeting the needs of others. We pastors are not paid the big bucks to find that satisfaction in our own work as an end in itself. Our job is to empower and equip others to serve.
Some have asked me, why the title "Pastor on the Point?' I used to be in an outfit called The Ecumenical Institute. Our logo was a wedgeblade driven left to right across a line. The line is the present world situation. the point is where we stand, out beyond the present, never sure if we are right or wrong, but doing our best to discern and forge a new future on behalf of those who are disenfranchised, always working to engage them as well in "being on the point." Hope I'm still there. I try to be. I pray I am and will be to my dying day.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Remembering the Future? Some musings on 'Hope'
Our Bishop Robert Schnase will begin March 26 to post a daily blog called 30 Days of Preparation. Cokesbury, the United Methodist Publishing House, is promoting it with the phrase, "Remember the Future." Bishop Schnase admits this is a strange combination of words. But if we stop to think, we know immediately what he means. He wants to make sure we consider the future as we make difficult decisions. Why else would we make decisions at all? To preserve. I'm an existentialist more than a conservative, but even more, I think, I am a futurist. Always have been. Read my bio on this blog. I've always had this preponderance for looking twenty years into the future. As I look back on over thirty years of ministry and predicting, I've been right more than I've been wrong. Like Bishop Schnase, I've always been an avid reader. I appreciate that he reads not only church leadership books, but substantive history and biography and political science and economic analysis, even novels which deeply affect the thinking of our culture. From such breadth we are able to see the 'signs of the times,' as Jesus did, I think. Jesus was more in the line of the prophets than the priests. Priests preserve. Prophets predict. Prophets also pronounce judgment on the present and the way it is likely to affect the future.
Of course we are prone to make decisions in the present largely based on what we have learned in the past. What else do we have? Bishop Schnase refers to two books he feels are most helpful for our spiritual preparation. Perhaps they are books which he is thinking of right now, in the present. What I know about my Bishop (based on the past!) is that he will bring multiple resources into his meditations. He always does it well, in my opinion. I hope Bishop Schnase's spiritual meditations will help us see where he thinks United Methodists are headed if we stay on the course we have been following. He has always been quick to quote Deming, the business analyst, who says a system will get what it is designed to produce. With Bishop Schnase, I hope we will design a new system which can produce something other than decline in numbers, financial resources, and little ministry fruitfulness.
I have to admit I don't carry with me the 'hope' for that happening, as he defines it. I work for it, every day. That's my job. And I think I am relatively successful. I don't expect to be removed from my pulpit, or any pulpit, for clergy incompetence. Though 58, I am not a 'burned out pastor.' I wake up every morning and put my hand to the plow, without looking back. That's a Jesus quote. But I also 'remember' that Elijah the prophet called Elisha to 'leave the plow behind.' They even burned the oxen, lest Elisha try to move into the future facing backwards. As I learn from what I have read, and see the signs of the times, I really don't expect much future from The United Methodist Church. I expect it will die, likely within the next 20-30 years. While we have wonderful folks in my own congregation, most are over 80. Every time one dies I know the fiscal consequence. We are adding new people, but they have lower incomes reflecting the changing character of our neighborhood. It is right to include them. But it does not tend toward better fiscal stability. I will pray and work hard in 'hope' that this church does not die. But I expect this church will die. All churches do eventually. And that's alright. I am not with the general church executives fighting to preserve their agencies, or even the Bishops fighting to preserve conferences. The past will pass.
I see instead a new form of the church emerging. New forms have historically emerged as old forms have died. Whatever we decide at General Conference, I 'hope' the focus will not be on preserving an institution. Just because we have built a great one (and I believe we have!) does not justify it's perpetual continuance. I see United Methodists merging with The United Church of Christ, the United Presbyterians, The Progressive Baptists, The Disciples of Christ, perhaps even The Anglican Church in America, to become a United Church of America. The Canadians did it a long time ago. I will not likely be in it myself. I will either be dead, or a Roman Catholic layman. Who knows? I am 'remembering the future' and I expect it will be very different from the present. With Philip Jenkins I believe the churches of the southern hemisphere will continue to grow, and will exist in forms very different from our own.
Of course, we may have no world at all. If we Christians can't find collegiality with people of other faiths more effectively- very, very soon- to influence governments and corporations to work more sacrificially and urgently to preserve the natural environment, none of us will be alive a hundred years from now. On this issue I am an ultra-conservative. Isn't it strange, that the people who turn a blind eye and obliterate the environment- who refuse to see the signs of the times- label themselves conservative? And that the rest of us let them have the label? This issue is far more important that the way United Methodists are organized, or whether or not UMC clergy have guaranteed appointment. A system will arrrive at what it is designed to accomplish. My observation is that we liberal United Methodists are very good at crafting well-worded pronouncements to print in our Book of Resolutions, but not so good at doing much to actually change things. If we can't get this gear shifted- get organized to really change the world- of course the UMC will die. My guess is cockroaches will survive humanity, to start over. They are designed well for survival, better than the UMC will ever be. Is this a 'hopeless' analysis? I'll let you judge. I don't think so. I think I might just have a broader definition of hope.
I encourage you to sign up online for Bishop Schase's meditations.
Of course we are prone to make decisions in the present largely based on what we have learned in the past. What else do we have? Bishop Schnase refers to two books he feels are most helpful for our spiritual preparation. Perhaps they are books which he is thinking of right now, in the present. What I know about my Bishop (based on the past!) is that he will bring multiple resources into his meditations. He always does it well, in my opinion. I hope Bishop Schnase's spiritual meditations will help us see where he thinks United Methodists are headed if we stay on the course we have been following. He has always been quick to quote Deming, the business analyst, who says a system will get what it is designed to produce. With Bishop Schnase, I hope we will design a new system which can produce something other than decline in numbers, financial resources, and little ministry fruitfulness.
I have to admit I don't carry with me the 'hope' for that happening, as he defines it. I work for it, every day. That's my job. And I think I am relatively successful. I don't expect to be removed from my pulpit, or any pulpit, for clergy incompetence. Though 58, I am not a 'burned out pastor.' I wake up every morning and put my hand to the plow, without looking back. That's a Jesus quote. But I also 'remember' that Elijah the prophet called Elisha to 'leave the plow behind.' They even burned the oxen, lest Elisha try to move into the future facing backwards. As I learn from what I have read, and see the signs of the times, I really don't expect much future from The United Methodist Church. I expect it will die, likely within the next 20-30 years. While we have wonderful folks in my own congregation, most are over 80. Every time one dies I know the fiscal consequence. We are adding new people, but they have lower incomes reflecting the changing character of our neighborhood. It is right to include them. But it does not tend toward better fiscal stability. I will pray and work hard in 'hope' that this church does not die. But I expect this church will die. All churches do eventually. And that's alright. I am not with the general church executives fighting to preserve their agencies, or even the Bishops fighting to preserve conferences. The past will pass.
I see instead a new form of the church emerging. New forms have historically emerged as old forms have died. Whatever we decide at General Conference, I 'hope' the focus will not be on preserving an institution. Just because we have built a great one (and I believe we have!) does not justify it's perpetual continuance. I see United Methodists merging with The United Church of Christ, the United Presbyterians, The Progressive Baptists, The Disciples of Christ, perhaps even The Anglican Church in America, to become a United Church of America. The Canadians did it a long time ago. I will not likely be in it myself. I will either be dead, or a Roman Catholic layman. Who knows? I am 'remembering the future' and I expect it will be very different from the present. With Philip Jenkins I believe the churches of the southern hemisphere will continue to grow, and will exist in forms very different from our own.
Of course, we may have no world at all. If we Christians can't find collegiality with people of other faiths more effectively- very, very soon- to influence governments and corporations to work more sacrificially and urgently to preserve the natural environment, none of us will be alive a hundred years from now. On this issue I am an ultra-conservative. Isn't it strange, that the people who turn a blind eye and obliterate the environment- who refuse to see the signs of the times- label themselves conservative? And that the rest of us let them have the label? This issue is far more important that the way United Methodists are organized, or whether or not UMC clergy have guaranteed appointment. A system will arrrive at what it is designed to accomplish. My observation is that we liberal United Methodists are very good at crafting well-worded pronouncements to print in our Book of Resolutions, but not so good at doing much to actually change things. If we can't get this gear shifted- get organized to really change the world- of course the UMC will die. My guess is cockroaches will survive humanity, to start over. They are designed well for survival, better than the UMC will ever be. Is this a 'hopeless' analysis? I'll let you judge. I don't think so. I think I might just have a broader definition of hope.
I encourage you to sign up online for Bishop Schase's meditations.
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